Here’s something men say to me all the time, usually in almost the same words: “It’s not even about how often. I just want her to want it.” They aren’t complaining about a sexless marriage. They’re having sex. But they can feel it. She’s going along with it. She’s checking a box. And somehow that … Continued
Clinicians generally describe premature ejaculation as ejaculating sooner than you or your partner want, with little sense of control over it, and with real frustration or distress as a result. Some definitions use a rough time frame, such as about a minute after penetration, but time alone isn’t the whole story. What matters is the … Continued
Two questions I ask men early on, usually in the first conversation: Are you having the sex you actually want? And has anyone ever made you feel like there’s something wrong with you for wanting what you want? The first question gets a long pause. The second one often gets a laugh, then a quieter … Continued
Have you ever had sex you didn’t really want to have? Not forced. Not pressured, exactly. Just… a yes that wasn’t really a yes. You were tired. Your head was somewhere else. She initiated, and saying no felt like it would cost more than going along. If that sounds familiar, you have a lot of … Continued
Here’s something most men were never taught: the feeling of wanting sex and the feeling of being stressed, bored, lonely, or wound up are built from the same wiring. Faster heart. Shallow breath. Pressure in the pelvis. A sudden sense that you need to do something. When that feeling hits, most men have exactly one … Continued
Think back to junior high. Your body was running on a new set of instructions, and your mind couldn’t stop thinking about sex. You probably felt embarrassed about a lot of it, but nobody treated you like you were sick. Everyone understood it was puberty. Now fast forward. You’re 35 or 45 or 55, 65 … Continued
There’s a term from the 2012 film Savages. Blake Lively’s character uses the word “wargasm.” I’ve thought about that word a lot. Here’s what I think it actually points at: trauma doesn’t just sit in your memory. It sits in your body. Combat, danger, sustained survival mode – that charge doesn’t leave just because the … Continued
Viagra and Cialis are genuinely effective medications. For a lot of men, they solve the immediate mechanical problem – blood flow, in the moment, on demand. That’s real, and it’s not nothing. But I regularly talk to men who are taking one of these medications, getting a physiologically functional erection, and still dreading sex. Still … Continued
A lot of men start TRT expecting it to be the fix. Blood work comes back low, testosterone gets corrected, and the assumption is that everything downstream — desire, erections, confidence in bed — will follow along automatically. For some men, it does help, at least partially. For a lot of men, it doesn’t fix … Continued
Most men who come to me have spent years treating their own arousal like a liability. Something to manage, hide, or override. What turns them on feels arbitrary at best, embarrassing at worst – a glitch they’d edit out if they could. Here’s a different way to look at it, borrowed from a sex researcher … Continued